


We were born sick

by queenofseventeen



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: It’s inspired by take me to church by hozier, M/M, Nicky is a bit messed up in this, Nicky your praise kink is showing, The story of Nicky loving and accepting himself, dedicated to the Aftg reverse bb discord chat, nicky and Erik loving eachother, so read the trigger warnings, thats it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 18:20:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16203029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofseventeen/pseuds/queenofseventeen
Summary: Nicky is forced into a camp, Nicky goes home, Nicky leaves the country, Nicky finds himself and love.





	We were born sick

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings:   
> internalised homo phobia, homo phobia, conversion therapy, self harm in multiple ways, suicidal ideation/tendencies, general angst.
> 
> Inspired by take me to church from hozier. The bolded parts are his lyrics. 
> 
> Thank you to the Aftg reverse bang discord for giving me this idea. I’m sad now.

 

**I. I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife**

 

 

He was only sixteen when the heavens rained down upon him. They allowed him to be torn apart piece by piece by adults he had once deemed trustworthy. 

 

Nicky was filthy. A heathen. A demon not allowed near children, elderly, his own parents until he was clean again. The shocks still weaves through his veins as he was pulled out of the chair and pushed towards the door.  _ Go. Repent for your sins.  _ They said.  _ Don’t come back until you’re ready to be forgiven.  _ Nicky wanted to be forgiven so badly. He wanted to be good, so badly. 

 

He knelt by the alter and made a cross.  _ Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’ve felt lust. I’ve felt lust for another man.  _

  
**II. A fresh poison each week**

 

Nicky slept in his own bed after that summer. His hands lay still above the blankets. His thumb running small circles into the light fabric. His eyes were stuck on the ceiling. He prayed again after dinner. Pray the gay away like they had taught him. Like he was meant to do. Again and again and again. Every night. 

 

The next week Nicky stepped under the shower. He turned the heat up, up, up. It hurt his skin. He wanted to step away from the spray but he needed to get used to it. The fire down there would be hotter. Hot enough to melt his skin off. Hot enough to burn him away. 

 

Only two days later Nicky didn’t look while crossing the road. A strong hand on his arm pulled him back. “Are you crazy,” they yelled. “Do you want to die?”

 

Yes. Yes. No. Never. But if this was his life he might not want it anymore. 

  
  


**III. The only heaven I’ve been send to.**

 

_ Go _ , the teacher told him.  _ I will convince your parents that Germany is the best chance for you. Go. _

 

Nicky stepped out of the doors. The arrivals hall was busy. It hadn’t been a big flight as it wasn’t even a big airport but it still looked and felt crowded. Amid the sea of people a young, blond man stood. Well boy, maybe, he couldn’t have been much older than Nicky. He knew he would have to pray again that night.  _ Forgive me father for I have sinned.  _ The man in front of him was more god than human. Nicky clenched his fingers around the Handle of his suitcase. Someone bring him to hell already. 

 

The boy held a sign with his name on it. The boy went in to hug Nicky. He didn’t seem deterred much when Nicky wouldn’t allow him. He was so dirty already. He wouldn’t stain another. The boy was named Erik and held a gentle hand on the small of his back to guide him out of the airport. 

 

The house held Erik, his mother and father and little sister and dog. Nicky already knew Elsie, the dog, would be his best companion there. 

 

Erik’s eyes didn’t leave him during introductions or dinner or when he led Nicky to their room. They would be sharing. A second bed pushed into the already small room. 

 

That night Nicky turned the heat of his shower up. He was a heathen. A demon bred into a good son.

 

**IV. Offer me that deathless death. Good god, let me give you my life.**

 

Nicky had tried to avoid Erik. He had. He just couldn’t. Not when the blonde had puppy dog eyes and played nice with his sister. Not when he could cook dinner and always asked his friends to text when they got home. Not when Erik had noticed that Nicky tried to be a good boy, to push the demon out, and had praised him for it.  _ You’re wonderful.  _

 

Nicky tried not to gravitate towards him. Tried to keep to himself. They all knew he was wrong, yet they didn’t treat him that way, the parents let him play with Alicia, Erik’s sister. They let him pet the dog and take him out. Nicky was even pulled into a hug by mrs. Klose. He didn’t remember the last time his mother had hugged him. Especially a death grip like that. Like mrs. Klose did not want to let him go. Nicky didn’t want to leave either.

 

Nicky had been there for close to three months when he let himself be pulled in by Erik. The blond was sitting in the middle of the couch. Nicky on one side, Elsie on the other. A German movie was playing on the television screen. Midnight had long since passed. The dog laid curled up against Erik’s side. Nicky was close to falling asleep. His head kept drooping and in his stupor he did not see why he couldn’t rest his head on Erik’s lap too. Gentle, calloused fingers stroked through his curls when he lay down.  _ You’re so good, Nickolas,  _ was whispered into the silence of the room. And Nicky couldn’t find it in himself anymore to pull away or feel disgusted. It was Erik’s family against his own. Good or bad, gay or straight Nicky would have to live his life and he could do it restraining himself or truly living.

 

That’s how they fell asleep that night. Elsie on the left side of the couch curled in the crook of Erik’s legs. Erik had lain down, Nicky still in his arms, still stroking his hair. 

 

The next week Nicky did not speak to Erik.

  
**V. I was born sick, but I love it.**

 

On month six Erik finally succeeded. Nicky hadn’t felt disgusted with himself for almost a week. Feelings were natural. There was nothing wrong with being gay or straight. There was everything wrong with the guy that kept clinging to Erik’s arm and came in the afternoons after school. The boy that stayed in Erik’s room on some nights. 

 

Nicky forced himself out of their bed room. It wasn’t really theirs to begin with either way. It had always been Erik’s room. Not matter how many pillows Nicky bought for himself. No matter how many nights they had fallen asleep in the same bed by now. If Nicky ever had not been disgusted by himself. If he had ever not been jealous of anyone. If he had ever thought he had a chance at getting to love and hold Erik, that hope was now gone. 

 

Erik confronted him. It was the first time Nicky had seen a frown on his face.. “You’re avoiding me.” 

 

Nicky kept his eyes away from Erik. He would cry if he did so. “Have not.”

 

“You are, though. What do you have against Rick?”

 

“Nothing. I want you two to be happy that’s why I haven’t been in the room. Give you space.” 

 

Erik’s face softened. He stepped closer and Nicky didn’t have it in him to step away. “Oh, Nickolas, I’m not together with Rick nor will I ever be. I’ve set my eyes on as other boy as do you. That’s okay. It’s all okay.”

 

Nicky almost asked who. Almost. Tears pricked in his eyes and his stepped away before Erik could cradle his face. “I will see you tonight.”

 

Nicky walked away before he could make any mistakes.

  
**VI. There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin.**

 

Nicky did not go home for Christmas. He bundled himself up in Erik’s ugly sweaters which were so many sizes too big. A mug of hot chocolate sat in his hands as he pressed himself into Erik’s side trying to peek inside the box for the present. “What did you get?” Alicia asked.

 

“Hiking shoes,” Erik answered. He laughed when Nicky scrunched up his face. Erik loved the outdoors. During the past weeks when he’d go out into the snowy woods Nicky would be waiting with a warmed up sweater and hot drinks. They were both okay with that arrangement. As long as Nicky could have the one smelling like Erik after. They did not talk about that.

 

Everyone had long since gone to bed. Nicky and Erik sat perched on the couch. Nicky was pressed into Erik’s side a heavy arm over his shoulder. He wouldn’t want it any other way. 

 

The tv flickers a bit and Nicky felt a finger under his jaw. He looked up at Erik and those blue, blue eyes and that blond, blond hair. These gentle hands treating Nicky like he was a gift. Like he wasn’t the heathen he was raised to believe he was. 

 

Erik looked at his lips a second too long. An unanswered question on the tip of his tongue.  _ Can I? May I? Are we allowed to have this after all?  _ Nicky decided he had stopped caring. He just wanted to kiss a boy. Nothing was wrong with that. Nothing was wrong with Erik.

 

“You’re such a good boy, such a good man,” Erik whispered against his skin. “I don’t think I could ever let you go again, angel.”

 

The kiss was soft and more than Nicky had been able to dream off. He didn’t want more or less, this was it. This was the everything his heart could take. The feeling so trusted and familiar that Nicky’s heart only skipped when Erik whispered against his lips, “Forever my good boy.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at queen-of-seventeen.tumblr.com


End file.
